What's Yo Name? Who's Yo Daddy?

A very funny name for a blog post, but two very important questions that I, in particular, have been trying to figure out. Weird, right? Obviously, my name is Marly (well, it's actuallly Marlena, but we'll skip over that detail...) and second of all, my dad's name is Jim. But that's not really what I was getting at. I should probably explain myself.

Let me just set up this post with a little background story of where I am and what I'm trying to get at here. I am currently at a very critical point in life...one I regret putting myself in, actually. I moved away from home almost six months ago and have been working my tail off just trying to survive. Not in the "provision" sense...the family I'm living with has taken VERY good care of me, and I'm extremely thankful for all the sacrifices their family has made for me. I'm talking about the emotional and mental staying alive. Granted, I'm much more stable than I used to be, but there's still a constant battle of keeping my spirits up and choosing to take things one day at at time. So...there's that. I'm also working a job that I really, really dislike. I should be thankful, but almost every day I wake up wanting to cry because I dread the day...not really a good thing. The job itself is great...my boss is very flexible and gives me a lot of grace (like a goldfish) and it actually pays well. When comparing myself to other teenagers like me, I have it pretty well off! I, however, am just getting very discouraged about my job and am getting to the end of my rope there. I'm also struggling with the VERY strong desire to have a car for myself. Ugh...I almost hate wanting one sometimes. I applied for a loan to get one, because it was necessary, but got denied because I've never owed money in the past. Can I just insert at this point in time that I think this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my entire life? Well too bad..I just did!

I'm not saying all this to get pity, I'm saying it because it'll make my actual point of the blog seem much more clear. I'm currently in a predicament that's giving me a little kick in the pants to start getting a life of my own...something I've dreamed of since I was a little kid. Now that I'm here, though, it seems a heck of a lot scarier than I thought it would be. I decided to jump out there, however, and see how far I could get using the "skills" that my mom has equipped me with the handle the world. As a result, I now have a very nice apartment secured for some time this summer. Yes, I'll be living in the apartment above my grandparents, and yes, they have conditions, but could I really ask for any more?? I'm extremely happy! I'm extremely thankful! And I'm extremely nervous!One of the conditions that my grandparents have for renting the apartment out to me is that I need to be going to school and getting an education. Honestly, I'm really happy that they set this up. Just another kick in the pants to get me to live my own life and start in the real world. This, however, brings me to my first question...

What's Yo Name??

More importantly to me, what's MY name...a question I've been asking myself for a long time. Yeah, yeah...my name is Marlena...but that doesn't do squat to let people know who I am. Say you're playing "Guess This Person" with your friends and you need to describe someone to the group until they guess who it is. You obviously can't just say their name...it's going to take some key descriptions for them to guess. Now. What would someone say if they picked my name out of the hat and had to describe me until the group guessed? What would they say? What would they be saying to describe me in five years? That's what I want to know! By choosing to go to college, I need to decided what I want to do...and essentially, who I am.

Anybody who knows me will tell you that I'm a human yo-yo. Emotionally, educationally, personality-wise, you name it! I'm up and down all the time. In the past I've thought about taking college courses and going somewhere for school, and it's actually been pretty funny to look back and see what I've said. Let me prove my point and give you a list of the things I've said I wanted to be:
An Engineer
A McDonalds worker
A "pay lady" at any grocery store that will take me :P
An English teacher
A music teacher
A singer
A stage hand
An Actress
A flight attendent
A social worker
A children's therapist
A physical therapist
A phone representative
An administrative assistant
A reporter
An author
A Make A Wish assistant
Annnnd the list goes on. Theses are, by no means, in order, but it just gives you a little taste of where I've been in the past few years. All that to say, I'm at a point where I seriously need to decide what I want to do. When I look back and think about the whole thing, I've discovered that the one and only thing that I come back to is anything having to do with music and theater. I don't know where I want to go in that direction, but it's a very obvious desire of mine, and I'm wondering if that's something I would/should pursue. As of now, I'm not making any definite decisions. I know that every time I get my hopes up about something...anything!...it NEVER works out. Enough of that...I'm taking the waves as they come! So in answer to my first question, I have no idea what my name is. I've made 0 impact in the world as of yet, but that's my mission...make a name for myself in whatever situation I'm in. For now, I'm not doing so good. Thankfully, I'm young enough that I can probably do something about that...time, though...time...

My second, and more important questions...

Who's Yo Daddy??

Who's my daddy? Who? Well...long story. I was born to a mom and a dad on July 1, 1993. No, I don't remember an awful lot, but what I do remember is that he didn't stick around. However, when I was three years old, I was blessed with a new, and much better, daddy. He's been my dad for about 16 years now, and I couldn't have asked for a better one. I say that now, but I confess, I haven't always felt that way. I've been blind for most of that time, taking for granted everything that he's done for me, and only focusing on the things that he hasn't done for me. When it comes to selfish people, I'm #1 on the list. Jim/Dad has been the best goldfish any dad could ever have been for me here on earth...the grace he's shown me is tremendous, and the love, even more so. He rescued my mom, me, and my older sister from being alone...what else do we want. He's given me all the things I've hoped for...music lessons, awesome birthday parties/presents, a great home, and a loving family. His highlighted moment in my life was when he took me to New York City for my senior trip/birthday gift. I'm literally getting teary right now just thinking about it. I'm a dreamer...a BIG dreamer. New York City with top of the list...and he took me there. Not only did he bring me, he took me to my dreams within the dreams...museums galore! Times Square! Shopping SHOpping SHOPPING! A show on Broadway! But was I thankful? Oh yeah, you bet I was...but did I tell him? Guess. Nope...I didn't...at least, not in a way that a truly thankful person should have. All the love that my dad's given me, and I ignored it, taking only what I wanted and rejecting everything else. Thinking about it makes me sick. I've come near to destroying one of those relationships in life that nobody ever should have. What a miserable thing.

It's not meant to be a sob story...in fact, I'll be really surprised if anybody in the world actually read this and got this far. This is a personal confession, and it's something I'm dealing with. My Daddy is Jim, and I'm starting to realize how miserable I am for wrecking things with him. Relationships take time, and now it's a waiting game...doing what I can to fix things with him. Only time will tell.

Now...up to this point in time, I've named two "daddy's" that I've had in life right now. But there's one more...someone who's relationship I've ruined even more than my relationship with Jim. That's my relationship with God...another Dad that I'm supposed to have. This has been a huge struggle my whole life, and something I'm still having a hard time with. As a human yo-yo, naturally my relationship with God has been as up and down as an eyelid with dirt in it. Do I trust Him? Do I not? Will I listen to Him? Will I not? I've had so many questions that I don't really think there are answers to. The real question is...what am I going to do about it??

At this point, I honestly admit that I have some serious trust issues. I used to be the kind of person that would put my completel trust in you, but things have gone downhill since than. Trusting people isn't easy...I've been burned too many times to want to try it again. It seems like with God, especially, every time I go to trust Him, He leaves me out in the cold. Where is God when my world falls down? What happened to all those awesome promises that He made in the Bible? Why do I seem to be the only Christian alive that God doesn't bless? There has been a rumor going around for a few years that I'm not really a christian because of all my doubts and troubles. I'd like to say from my own mouth one thing to those people. Believe what you want...I'm a Christian, I have no doubt. Everybody's got ups and downs...I just have more than usual, but I don't doubt my salvation in the least. If you'd like to convince me otherwise, go ahead. I'm easily persuaded when it comes to my faults. Let me just say that you're not helping me by convincing me that I'm not saved...so please don't even try.

Not sure what else to say at this point. God is who He is and I am who I am. If this is going to be a two way relationship, I'm going to have to make a choice to move. Something I've finally realized might just help me out a little. Since my whole "situation" that came up a long time ago, I've been searching for love...unconditional and unjudgemental love. However, I've canceled myself out by rejecting all the love I've been offered...not very helpful. All that to say, my next move?? Accept the love that's being offered, beginning with God. Seems like a simple choice, but not easy for me. Poo-poo it all you want, but that's just me :)

Marly